By Jill Pertler
Meow. It's me again. The cat. From time to time I take a crack at this column stuff. If you are reading this, today is your lucky day.
The female adult human who usually sits at the computer must have a cramp in her opposable thumbs, because she is not typing. Never fear, I am here! Leave it to me to catapult in and come to the rescue (as usual).
Did I mention I am privy to the rules of the universe? It isn't surprising. Most cats are. Look at the life we live and tell me it's not an omnipotent display of clever, well-planned politics (or at the very least clever, well-planned napping). Since the days of the pyramids, we have been in charge, without you, dear humans, ever suspecting the truth. What about that isn't brilliant?
There's no arguing the fact that cats are the supreme life form. Still, I find humans somewhat endearing. Their furless bodies and bipedal stance makes them vulnerable and perhaps even charming (in an unattractive sort of way) and I'm not only saying this because they can reach the high cupboard and open the bag of catnip. There's a soft spot in my heart (albeit a tiny one) for my humans. I'd allow them to continue living in my house even if they didn't pay the mortgage, but don't tell them I said so. I wouldn't want them to get too comfortable with our situation.
I have a few fine nips of feline insight to bestow upon you today. (You can thank me later.) For now, sit tight, and prepare for a glimpse into the highly evolved brain of yours truly. You'll find my rules of the universe keen and clever if you are paying attention. (Which by the way, most cats are not.)
As an example, consider rule number one: Paying attention is optional unless you are taking a nap. Then it is not an option.
And rule number two: A nap trumps just about anything else in your day.
My list goes on:
If you see opportunity, pounce.
If you see any sort of movement, under a blanket or other fabric covering, pounce.
When in doubt, pounce unless you are taking a nap.
Crinkled paper, rolled into a ball is better than any store-bought toy especially at 2:00 a.m. in any bed where a human is sleeping.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
Do not let them watch you eat.
If a human calls your name, walk in the opposite direction. Unless they are in possession of catnip.
Apathy. Apathy. Apathy.
God did not make the sunshine on warm windowsills by accident. The same goes for mice.
God loves cats.
Confidence. Above all else, confidence. Walk with your head high, your tail up and your cattitude intact.
If you must purr, do so loudly.
Humans may pay the rent, but cats own the house. Never let them humiliate you with a bell or a bath.
Dogs are not to be trusted, until you find one you can trust.
When jumping, aim for high places.
Always land with your feet on the ground.
You've only got nine lives; live them well.
When you get to the end of a list, take a nap. Or pounce. Either way, you're a cat and that makes you a winner. I know I am.
It is on that condescending note I will sign off. Until next time, I remain